click the "headlines" for full story . _____________________ . About "Still In Progress..."

"PLAY ON, WORDS...LAMAR ODOM or ALARM DOOM?"

WAKE UP CALL


It’s time for the Los Angeles Lakers to wake up in time for the NBA Finals. To do so, they’ll need to rely on Lamar Odom, whose name can be rearranged to spell “Alarm Doom.”











As long as we’re rearranging letters, Nomar Garciaparra signed a one-day contract earlier this season with the caveat of retiring as a Boston Red Sox. One of the more unique names in all of sports, we’re lucky Nomar’s father, Ramon, only reversed the spelling of his son’s first name and not his last. I would have quit sports writing before spelling out Ramon Arrapaicrag on a consistent basis.




Begin typing “When was the last time the…” into Google and the search engine’s first suggestion is “the New York Jets won a Superbowl?.”

Other championship droughts that Google suggests include the Viking, Cowboys, Saint, Colts and Cubs.

It also spits out the suggestion “the planets aligned?.”

The answer, of course, is same as the last time the Cubs won a World Series.

So what else does Google suggest based on the start of common queries?

A few examples (at least according to my computer settings):


Begin by typing:


Is it illegal for a…man to marry his widow’s sister?

Answer: ‘Till death did we part…


When is it appropriate to…say I love you?

Let’s let www.myfemalesexuality.com handle that one. Instead we’ll jump to Google’s next suggestion:


When is it appropriate to…use a semicolon?

The answers; vary


At what point…does a cell phone become a living thing?

No answer is given, but it sure beats answering the next Google option:


At what point…does a girl become a woman?

Sounds like another question for Myfemalesexuality.com.


How do you play…curling?

Not exactly grammatically correct, but I believe you start by going to the liquor store and buying a six-pack of Labatt Blue.


Who was the first player…to sign with the New England Whalers?

Answer: Larry Pleau; you had to ask?


How many athletes…use steroids?

Answer: None, wink, wink…




Speaking of drugs in the sports place, introducing the MLB ALL GANJA TEAM:

Tobi Stoner, P – Mets

Justin Smoak, 1B - Rangers

Jung Bong, P – Braves

B.J. Weed, OF – Angels

Bret Hemphill, C – Angels

Darren Grass, C – Padres

Brandon Puffer, P – Twins

John Danks, P – White Sox

All-Marijuana Team Hall-of-Fame:

Herb Hash, P – Red Sox


THIS DATE IN FUTURE HISTORY
06.05.2040
Breast In Peace: Pamela Anderson passes away at the age of 72. Her lifeless body was found floating face-up in a Los Angeles pool. The buxom actress flourished in her second career as a Senior Olympic gold-medal swimmer, excelling in, of course, the breast stroke.




___ . VISIT THE FOLLOWING SITES FOR MORE WRITING FROM CHRISTOPHER C. WUENSCH . ___

My Blog List

THE PUBLIC SOUNDS OFF ON..."NO AUTOGRAPHS PLEASE...UNLESS YOU'VE GOT $10."


"Great article! I'll never forget as a teenager, seeing Carl Yastrzemski at a show. I waited in line, not realizing he was charging for his signature (I didn't pay). It's sad. You grow up idolizing these guys and want to honor them by asking for their autograph, all they want is the money."

- Abdulhadi Ahmedi, via Facebook

SIPAPT: It really is a bummer. Among some of the nicer athletes I've met, I'd have to include Tommy John and Martin Brodeur. Oh, and nice work on correctly spelling 'Yastrzemski.' !!
...

"I'm still waiting for Jerome Walton's $8 autographs to live up to its price tag. I think I bought like 8 of them and waited an hour on line in a mall. And I don't think he said a word to me."

- Gary Housman, via Facebook

SIPAPT: You can get an autographed Jerome Walton bat on eBay for $72. If you hadn't bought all those autographs back when Walton was considered a young phenom and not-a-future bust, you'd have enough to buy that bat today...and still have enough left over to buy a Bob Feller signature.
...

"Since my uncle, Jesse Hill was head football coach at USC in the mid 1950's and later A.D., I've got every Trojan Heisman winner on a correct period football program.

"But my prized Heisman winner autograph is Glen Davis of Army, who won it in 1945. Back in the '70's, I was working at the L.A. Herald-Examiner and went to the Times Grand Prix on a press pass, and Davis was the PR guy for the Times in charge of the press. I had to have him sign my press pass so I could get into the Press Patio for the free lunch and beer.

"I kept the signature because I had heard that when he was married to his 1st wife, Terri Moore, Davis had caught her and Howard Hughes making love on the couch in his living room one evening and he knocked Howard out, over the couch, and threw him out on the front lawn, naked before throwing the clothes in the trash. I shook his hand, too.

"I got this story from Jim Bacon, who was Howard's PR guy, and was my co-worker at the Her-Ex later.

"Yer pal, Ferrari Bubba"

- Ferrari Bubba, via TucsonCitizen.com

SIPAPT: Wow.

...


"When I was 15, I worked as a caddie at the really nice local golf course in my hometown. It was the middle of summer and I had other things to do than sweat it out for some rich bozo on a Saturday morning.

"Anyhow, I get to work at 7 a.m. and I get the 'privilege' of being assigned to carry the bag of former St. Louis Cardinal pitcher Bob Forsch. For a guy who slammed 12 home runs and threw two 'no-no's,' he couldn't hit the green to save his life. I know, because I was carrying that 1/4-ton bag of his. Mind you, I've played enough golf to give tips to the guy if he's struggling (He did listen, too).

"So, 18 holes, four hours and what seemed like 15,000 yards later, it finally comes time to pay out. After he signs my pay-card, I look at it, and there it is in all it's glory.

"Right next to this 168-win, 1,100+ strikeout, 3.75 ERA Cardinal great's John Hancock: $2.

"I guess Major Leaguers didn't get paid that much in the '70s and '80s."

- Scott Salisbury, via e-mail

SIPAPT: You gotta remember, back then $2 could get you and a date into a movie, popcorn, Sno-Caps, one milkshake (two straws) and still have enough left over to tip the soda jerk (insert your Bob Forsch joke here).

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In Progress At Press Time